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Epic Clark Griswold Quotes And Rants

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Growing up, Vacation was our family road trip movie. Before every trip, we had to break out the VCR and give it a watch. Thankfully, we never lost a dog (or a great Aunt!) on one of our epic vacations. However, we got a kick out of repeating Clark Griswold quotes and rants at all possible times in the car. Come on Vacation (and Christmas Vacation, European Vacation, and Vegas too!) to find the best lines from the best try-hard dad. Here are the best Clark Griswold quotes and rants.

Clark Griswold Quotes And Rants

Clark Griswold Quotes And Rants From Vacation

Watch the Vacation trailer here.

  • This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. – Clark Griswold Quotes And Rants From Vacation
  • Why aren’t we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.
  • Nothing to be proud of Russ… 50 yards…
  • You’re gonna have fun, and I’m gonna have fun… We’re all gonna have so much f@cking fun we’re gonna need plastic surgery to remove our g-dd@mn smiles!
  • You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah’ out of your @ssholes!
  • I must be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! -Clark Griswold Quotes And Rants From Vacation
  • You’re the gourmet around here, Eddie.
quotes from Clark Griswold Vacation movies
  • It’s living history Ellen. But if you’d rather see your cousins. Personally, I’d rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.
  • Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.
  • We can’t just ignore the plight of the inner cities. See the plight kids? Roll em up!
  • Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
  • Ed, uh… this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antarctic Blue Super Sports Wagon with the C.B. and optional rally fun pack.
vacation quotes and rants clark griswold
  • J@sus, it’s only the biggest d@mn hole in the world. -Clark
    Clark, watch your language! – Aunt Edna
    Make that the second biggest. -Clark
  • Boat leaves in two minutes… or perhaps you don’t want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away? -Clark Griswold Quotes And Rants From Vacation
  • Hey Yellowbelly, I’m talking to you!
vacation movie quotes clark griswold rants. Family of 4 waving goodbye in front of their station wagon.
  • Ed, I’m not your average everyday fool. Now I want my blue sports wagon and if you can’t get it I’m gonna take my business elsewhere! Where’s my old car?
  • This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy!
  • Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Dead. I’m dead. Taxi! Here boy! The heat. Darn. I’m dead. I’m finished. 
  • Russ, please don’t eat the Truckster.
  • Marty Moose, Marty Moose, Marty Moose! Uh-uck! That’s me!
  • Honey, relax. I told you I’m not angry anymore. I’m in complete control. I’m sure they’re not repairing every ride at the same time. I think they owe us a little explanation. I think they owe us a little fun, okay? -Clark Griswold Quotes And Rants From Vacation
christmas vacation movie quotes

Christmas Vacation Quotes From Clark Griswold

Age Rating of Christmas Vacation: Parents Guide

  • Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
  • Hey- If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here! With a big ribbon on his head! – rants from Clark Griswold Christmas Vacation quotes
  • I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, d!ckless, hopeless, heartless, fat-@ss, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey sh!t he is! Hallelujah! Holy sh!t! Where’s the Tylenol? – Clark Griswold rants from Christmas Vacation
christmas vacation quotes and rants clark griswold
  • Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn. The clean, cool chill of the holiday air. An @sshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer…
    Sh!tter was full. -Eddie
    Ah, yeah. You checked our sh!tters, honey? -Clark
  • Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now. -Clark Griswold Christmas Vacation quotes
  • Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of @ssholes this side of the nuthouse. – Clark Griswold rants from Vacation movies
National-Lampoons-Christmas-Vacation Quotes From Clark

National Lampoons European Vacation Quotes From Clark

  • He’s not gonna pork her, Russ…. He may pork her, finish your breakfast.
  • Honey, we’re not normal people. We’re the Griswolds. -Clark Griswold quotes
  •  There’s the Left Bank, kids. Russ, I bet you can’t guess what bank is on the right.
  • Rusty, you don’t want to look like a rooster do you?
  • Hey look, kids, there’s Big Ben, Parliament… Big Ben… Parliament.
european-vacation-quotes from clark griswold

Clark Griswold Rants and Quotes From Vegas Vacation

  • You guys are growing up so fast, that I hardly recognize you anymore. -Clark Griswold quotes and rants
  • Where the hell is the d@mn dam tour?
  • Audrey! What are you doing? Ten years of tap dancing lessons and this is the way you repay us?
  • Don’t think unnatural thoughts about your cousin, Russ.
vegas vacation quotes from clark griswold

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