You guys know the motto around here: do what your life leads you to do, and don’t let the weight of mom guilt drag you down. I feel like its one of those emotions that are purely negative; there is no upside to guilt.

I’d be a big ol’ liar if I tried to say I never feel guilty over things in my life, or that I don’t even indulge guilt from time to time. Sometimes that uninvited guest takes a place in my head and I have a hard time kicking her to the curb. This week is going to be one of those weeks after an incident that happened at home yesterday.

I know I say it all the time, but mommin’ ain’t easy.

 

 

When You Think Your Child Is Missing

I’m currently at the gorgeous and serene St. Simons Island on a FAM (familiarization) trip with about 10 other writers. This is part of our jobs: travel to new locations and learn about the local culture, history, and life of the people there.

I know it seems like I’m always at Disney, but that’s not true folks! There’s a great big world out there and I want to see it all. And the beach is one of my most favorite places to go- any beach, anywhere, I’m all in.

 

 

So, St. Simons has been one of those places ever since I lived just up the road in Savannah. Somehow I just never made it down to this part of the Georgia coast so you bet when that invite hit my email I was excited to accept. The calendar was clear, crew would be over, and my husband was holding down the fort.

I traveled with my friend the fabulous Lola Lambchops (aka, Tania) and we were looking forward to a few days on Island Time.

That all came crashing down around me with a text I received?from my phone provider, Verizon Wireless.

I’d never seen anything like this, and in fact, didn’t even know it would happen. But the number was my oldest son’s and Verizon was letting me know, as the primary on the account, that he called 911.

I was in Georgia and my 15-year-old son had reason to call 911 in Virginia.

 

My Son Called 911

First of all, Luke is an outstanding and mature young man. He’s not the sort to “accidentally” call 911 but in those first few moments of receiving the text, I thought there had to be some easy explanation for this. I wasn’t panicking at all.

So I texted him (no answer). I called him (no answer).

I texted his father (no answer). I called his father (NO ANSWER).

Now… now I started worrying in earnest; my first thought was something happened to Rob and that’s why Luke had to call the EMTs. A heart attack? A stroke? Fell down the basement stairs? I mean- I went “there” to Rob being really hurt, because honestly, after losing Jacob, something happening to my children is just not acceptable to me.

 

 

I know Rob’s going to say, hey, THANKS, when he reads this. I don’t mean to imply that something happening to him is acceptable, but… I just can’t when it comes to my babies. I know he understands.

When a parent loses a child, there is nothing like that feeling in the world; and no matter how long ago the loss was, that feeling never ever EVER goes away. Processing grief and loss is a lifelong event that doesn’t end for a parent who lost their child.

 

Guilt and Panic Set In

And when that thought sank in, I started the panic and the guilt of not being there to help my children through this.

Guilt took hold as I went down my family list desperately trying to contact someone.

I texted my younger son who was also at home (NO EFFING ANSWER). I called him (SOMEONE ANSWER THIS PHONE AND TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON!).

I started to call my daughter but quickly hung up. She was with a friend in DC and not with the rest of the family. She has anxiety issues that can be pretty severe, so I didn’t want to worry her more than necessary. I mean— it all could have been a mistake, right?

 

My World Stops

I finally get through to Luke and he answers the phone. And immediately I know this is not an accident; this is not a drill; this is real and my son is in pain.

He starts with telling me he’s “so sorry, Mom, I left her for 10 minutes…” His voice, guys, is something I will never forget. My strong, capable, sweet oldest son was breaking down as he told me what happened.

Right then it was clear: it wasn’t Rob who had the emergency, but my youngest, Lucy.

I am crying as I type this; tears flowing down my face as I remember the gut punch when he told me she was missing. He was home with her alone as my husband had taken my other son to soccer (also explains why they were not answering the texts and calls). He went into the basement to look for his phone charger, and when he came back upstairs the house was empty.

The tv was off, the front door was open, and Lucy was gone.

Guys. My baby was gone.

 

 

No, Really. Panic. Guilt.

Tania was with me when this was happening and I can only imagine how it all sounded from her one side of the conversation. I know I looked at her and said, “Lucy is missing” and I know her momma heart went immediately to her own girls.

This is definitely one of those nightmares parents have that no one tells you about when you are peeing on a stick and doing cute pregnancy announcements on Instagram.

Your entire world becomes these babies- and the thought of someone breaking into my house and taking her from her safe world crushed me in two seconds. I thought about how scared she must be and how someone might hurt her and all this flashed through my head as I tried to process the fact that Luke was dealing with this.

Alone.

And he was only 15.

So panic was there, but so was guilt, that I wasn’t able to help and protect him from what was happening to him. He was scared, he was shaking, he had called the police immediately.

At the time I didn’t realize how well he handled this. I was more upset that, well, that he left her alone. And that obviously wasn’t fair. I walk away from Lucy all the time in the house. I go to the basement to do laundry or to my room to put away the laundry or to take a shower or to take a nap. We absolutely do not follow her around the house, though she would love it if we did! Ha!

But in that moment of panic, all I wanted to do was turn back time and make something ELSE be the reality. And yup, I feel guilty about trying to put that blame on Luke.

 

What Happened

I pulled myself together and tried to be the mom who handles things. From 3 states away.

Luke explained he looked through the house, yelled her name, went outside to talk to the neighbor kids who were playing on the street: no one had seen her. That’s when he called 911.

While Luke was waiting for the police- guys, my 15-year-old was home alone waiting for the police!!!– please let that image sink in. I was 3 states away frantically calling neighbors who Lucy might have gone to see (I knew she hadn’t, but hey, maybe?) and also wanted an adult to come be with Luke.

I was blessed with finding the best neighbors ever when we moved to Virginia and as soon as I got one of them on the phone she was walking out the door to help Luke. I will forever be thankful for that.

And then I hung up the phone and had to wait.

 

They Found Her

If you are like- OMG, how is she writing this story when her baby is missing?! What is WRONG with this woman? The best news ever came when Luke called me back about 5 minutes later. His voice was filled with relief, and in truth, he was a little embarrassed- but Lucy was safe and that’s all he cared about.

 

 

The nervous laughter as he told me what happened was really one of incredible relief. And it was the sweetest sound I had ever heard. Both of my babies were ok. And I was going to be ok when my heart rate settled down.

My sweet Lu had turned off the TV, answered the front door (um, we’re gonna talk about that!) when Seth’s friends had knocked to see if he could play, and then went upstairs and put herself down for a nap. That’s why the TV was off and the door was open.

The police found her under all her covers sleeping soundly like the angel she is.

I talked to her and she was still so sleepy it was almost comical. She had no idea what she had caused just by taking a nap. Ah, life as a 6-year-old!

If you got this far- thank you for letting me process the events of the day.

 

Lessons Learned

I don’t know, just yet, how I feel about this whole event. Other than extreme relief that it was something so minor in the end as my child taking a nap. I do know that there wasn’t anything I could have done differently at the time it all transpired.

Could I have stayed home and this never would have happened? Sure. And if I had been home, I would have looked in her bed first. Because I’m the mom and that’s where I knew she would be. (Luke swears he looked and just didn’t see her in his panic).

But I wasn’t and I can’t change that. And I can’t let the guilt of being a working parent who travels take over with what-ifs- because that is no way to live. Losing Jacob taught me that we have to go on and we have to live our lives; we can’t what-if our way through it.

The funny thing is- if I hadn’t gotten that text, *I* wouldn’t have known of any of this until after it was all resolved. Luke was too worried about what was happening to call me (and he knew I couldn’t do anything from 3 states away anyway). So I would have heard about it all after the police had come and gone.

I’ll be home in 3 days and you know I’ll be hugging all those kiddos tightly. I’ll probably make Lucy sleep with me for a night or two, just because I can, and I’ll make sure Luke knows how proud I am of the way he handled things.

We’re also working on some new family rules to make sure this doesn’t happen again. Strike that- they aren’t new, they just weren’t followed closely. As a family, we need to do better with that. Kids grow up, leaving them home alone is more the norm than not around here.

Right now I’m off to do my job and focus on the tasks at hand. But mommin’… it’s a full-time job on top of my full-time job, even from 3 states away. I’ve already texted this morning before school, will probably check in at lunch, be annoying all 4 of them until I get home. Guys— hug your kiddos (and make sure yours know what do to in case of an emergency!).